Zeon
04wilsonm
It’s THAT day again… the day when Enox confessed to everything… 2 years ltater it still shocks me what he did. I was really young at the time and the event mentally scarred me. Not much else to say.
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Figured I’d make a final appearance here, for the sake of goodbyes and all, since I did not formally dedicate my permanent leave back on the chat room. But first I’d just like to apologize to you, Zeon. Reading this post brought me back to something that I’ve been meaning to say for quite some time. I’d be very selfish if I didn’t let you know what I’ve discovered. Of course, I had vowed to keep silence from now on over the internet, but I can’t until I quiet a few things down, because they often plague my own mind. Anyways, back to that apology.
It took me a couple of years of deep study to inadvertently discover why you were scarred from my bad internet behavior. This wasn’t (and still is not) the focus of my reading, but this new explanation certainly came from it. Now I understand it and, more importantly, you.
I want to assure you of this: the moments we shared during that very joyful and humorous year were real. Their verity cannot be called into question; they happened, and in passing, were real. They were as real as the internet can be called “real.”
The problem stemmed from the revelation that I was not who I had said I was, which called into question my entire internet life. To be sure, it invalidated it in the eyes of those who no longer found me trustworthy. My masks had come off; all of you had emotional investments in those masks. When I took them off, I acted like a cold, non-emotional being who cared not for his actions.
I can assure you, I was faking it when I said I had no emotional investment in all of you. I can’t even escape it now, that’s why I’ve come back to give you, Zeon, in particular, my last message.
The mask I put on, of tiger’s dude, gal, IHP, etc, were all emotionally-invested representations of my psyche. They were all “me.” At that moment in time, anyways. That was before my mental maturation. But again, I assure you, they were literally expressions of the only self I had at the time. You’d have to understand my background in order to understand why I was so stereo-typically typical at the time, but I won’t put you through that. So, in summary, my masks were the closest things possible to representing the substance behind them (i.e. the state of my psyche), though they were based on historical falsity.
Of course, I was never a football star, never an extremely (and overtly) sexual girl, never a nerd who got beat up. But those were merely story-telling based on what went on in my mind, what I wanted to be.
What was NOT story-telling was when I’d write for the AKHlog. Or boast of taking down “lamers” on yoyo. Or when we’d collectively laugh at all kinds of jokes and quotes. None of that was fake.
So if you cannot accept that those personalities were real (I assure you, at the time, they were very real, and I wanted them to be real; I thought I had to embody them to be social), at least know that the times we shared over that yearlong period were the first real, social times I ever experienced, ever participated in. They are still cherished, and I hope you will cherish them too.
I will again apologize and say that my inhuman attitude at the end of that year, when I said that I cared about nothing, was merely an existentialist type reaction-formation. I was covering up the reality that I wanted to “be” tigerdude, tigergal, and the rest of the bunch.
I never wanted to be tigerdude or gal because of their histories…I wanted to be them because they were loved. By actual people.
Lastly, Zeon, any animosity I have shown you must be corrected. I will wait for your response and reply to you as soon as possible. Maybe my next comment will be shorter. I had to pour my heart out for this one though…sorry about the length.
-Your very real friend
I remembered one other thing, and I may have said this already in the past, but I figured I might as well bring it up again. The whole multiple accounts deal was started when I decided to “jump” the bad ratings my games had gotten on yoyogames. I made tons of them to up-rate SMM. I grew into playing “as” them. And so this post merges with the other one…
Wow, I guess I really didn’t expect to be linked to those comments this when I signed into my Gmail account this afternoon. I understand what you’re saying in that latter comment of yours, but I’m not too sure about the first one (you “imagined” yourself to have such personalities but then went on to manifest them as different people)?
Well, those really fucked up my Christmas. Yeah, it was not only that realisation that I had dumped so much time into those personalities. (I lived for the AKHlog. Hell, I woke up and went to read any posts before going to school every fucking day. Anything that happened on the AKHlog was real business). It was also the fact that I was kind of a loner at that time- the AKHlog was my refuge. You went and shattered it in a few lines. I have a social life now and they’res nothing I like more than going out with my friends, but I didn’t at the time. I lived for the AKHlog.
They’res no denying that the whole incident scarred me deeply; it was the worst thing to have happened in my life. I have matured now and the wound seems closed, but the scar is still there.
-Zeon
Oh, and I’ll leave the song I was going to listen to before I saw this. Kind of symbolic, in a way. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Odk3W3qLByI
What I was saying in the first comment was basically that I was also like you: my only realization of social life was the AKHlog at the time. When I said it didn’t matter, I was lying: I was deeply crushed that AKH was quiting his blog, and that’s probably why I admitted everything (albeit hiding that I cared) right after he “closed” it with his “last” post. So all the moments we shared were still valid even though I was lying about who I actually was. I wanted to be those people at the time, and over the internet, I actually WAS them.
I’m just like you, or was, I read the AKHlog, went on yoyogames, and posted on my blog every day before school. I had a pretty deep connection with the whole thing.
I would respond to your recent political post, but I thought that you covered everything quite well (The Libyan invasion by the imperialist states of America). Glad you’ve found direction, you certainly found it before I did. I just felt so bad leaving without giving you the final consolation that I truly cared, so I’ve returned to chat with you for a little while. You can read my latest (and final) post on the AKHlog, if you want.
Sorry for taking so long to respond, I’ve been busy as fuck. Yeah that’s what I was implying in my comment- that you wanted to be like those people at times (dunno why you would want to be like IHP though) and that that was made possible through the Internet. I always thought of you as the typical brsinwashed American who followed his government blindly, how and when did you take a turn? Anyway, I’m off to read your post at the AKHlog.
-Zeon
“I always thought of you as the typical brsinwashed American who followed his government blindly, how and when did you take a turn?”
I was for maybe a year, but then I read Rand’s “Anthem” and I fell into a literal sickness. I picked up Thoreau and that’s where the dissent started. Ever heard of Situationist International? That’s where I funneled my radical days, in close reading of Guy Debord (who is still my all time favorite Hegelian philosopher). I progressed to P.J. Proudhon, Marx, etc. I wasn’t ever a communist, but certainly a type of anarchist. Now I’m rethinking all of these types of things, but you certainly won’t see me putting my support behind any political group in this decade. They’re all the same at the core.
Oh and I was always intrigued by conspiracy theories, not that I believe in any of them (some present credible evidence), but because I like to see a holistic analysis of everything. That led to the breaking of my conditioning.
I suppose Rosseau also influenced you? You always spoke favourably towards him. I recommend you a book which I read last summer (or the one before, I can’t remeber) called “To the Finland Station” by Edmund Wilson. It describes how socialism evolved to what it is now (or what it was when the book was published, 1940- something I think). If you have the time or will to read it you definately should, you won’t regret it.